Television Bores me

Yeah,

television bores me... like every single unthoughtfull think these days.... the madness I am in is not a psyhcholgical one... I was like this since I know myself... Everything looks somehow different from my eyes.. I dont know why.. people tell me always why do you think that much.. why do u care about the world that much... I dont know really.... It is like normal for me...why I am into songs this much.. why I am in poetry or in art or why I am art guy.. sometimes ı tired of this and cry... oh my god why I cant be normal....why cant ı intersted in football, or women or sex like any other men... why ı look someone special or why I cant make love without being in really love... why cant ı be an animal sometimes... just have your sins and forget....


bored I am.. I have to be washed by an ocean.. or the most tender touches of the wind... or get lost somewhere that nobody will ask me to give something ... get lost or get found.. cry with your innermost feelings.. hang a petition on every street on every city.. to ask for someting ... selll your pride and be naked... be strong and weak.. make a travel with your train of thoughts to somewhere u dont belong.. be afraid.. be scared.. feel the uttermost of your heart.... live the utmost.. climb to the heights of your mountains... see the sun bathing your shoes... open the most secret worlds from the pandoras box.. see what is hidden from the humans.. which is not told..

flowers they say... flowers are beautiful....

tell me my dear.. why flowers are beautiful....

the meaning of words or colors.... as I told u.. lost their meanings sometimes... lost deeply in a turmoil of things.. get mixed or change their clothes.. my wardrobe of words untidy these days... in a brink of madness ı stand still.. calm and peacufull sometimes... like watching big storm unharmed below... seeing things outside.... where u dont need time......

alone in a bliss that u can not share with some one... afraid to tell the things u feel and see.. cause nobody will understand you.. or will treat u that u are mad.. or has a sickness that doesnt have a cure...pushing aside the others u try to make a way for yourself... a way that will save u from the real madness...

the real madness my dear is to think that you are not normal... cause this means that u surrender yourself to others.... allow them to put the blame on you... is like shaking the hand of the burglar who stole all your precious... thank u my burglar... u take all the things that I made myself.. here take my soul.. enter into into my realm... rob me.. make me someone normal.....


I t is hard to be wise and honest at the same time... it is hard to have a big heart..

being wise doesnt satisfy me anymore.... it doesnt make me happy....

a strugle between your mind and your heart and your instincts..

it is better to live may be without the thought of tomorrow and yesterday..

may be possesions are not that bad.. may be it is good thing this money.. may be ı can buy a dream... or ice cream will be fine too...


when boredoom comes to your dooor... it is hard to know what u need is diffrerent than what u want.... it kills u.. it breakes u into pieces.. each piece falls into far distant land that u will have no time to gather yourself together again... u pray no one sees u.. your pride pushes you from your back... you put on your clothes, brush your teeth and go to streets... do your daily job then come back to home... what is a home really....

when u close the door, you change your clothes, change your fake smile and put on yourself the real you... this is home.. a place on your own.... sometimes u really afraid of yourself that u call or pray that someone will call and visit you... the fear of being alone with yourself... facing the mirror.... this the real task...

and then some turn on the TV. and the TV gives you what u want... makes you forget yourselft.. tells u about your dreams. puts something in you that makes you believe that everything is fine.. u will get what u desrve.. life is fine.. blah blah.. like the priests in old times telling u that u will go to heaven if u are a real believer... go to church... dont lie... work hard.. blah blah. but television cant give u what u need... beacuse we want to believe into something real... something you can hold... something that lives... television is just an empty box.. with colorful lights and fancy sounds... it doesnt have a smelll.. and a smell is sometimes what u really miss...


and yes television bores me....

when I walk on the streets I saw many with empty minds and empty hands.. ı prefer empty hands... a bare hand can not fake.. it is sincere... it is what it is.. and nothing else.. but a mind can be anything it wants...
it can own your heart, your pride and soul if you are too much of a possesion thing... the moment you think of how many things you own.. is the moment u surrender yourself.. and the moment you think that there is a moment like this... you get lost... you are like water... you have no shape... but free...

and then you get hungry, you had to eat... and some people eat other people's meat... beacuse meat these days is scarce... or the meat you want is more than u can chew...
the lion my dear is the king of jungle.. a king that never chews more than he can eat.... but the king of the industrial plain eats the lion king.... the industrial king is always hungry for others meat.



and yes my brain is my biggest enemy, but he is my best friend too....

lejyonlar, rahipler, gemiler ve çıplak ellerim

Piramitlere hiçbir zaman hayran olmadım, Atina'ya hükmeder gibi bakan Parthenon'a da. Ne Versailles sarayı ilgimi çekti bugüne kadar ne de elinde meşale tutan özgürlük heykeli...

Yakup resim çizerdi muhtemelen ellisinde göçüp gidecek efendisinin mezarının duvarları üstüne... Gözleri karanlığa alışsın diye izin verilmezdi dışarı çıkmasına işini bitirmeden piramidin içinde. Otuzunu göremeden Deyrü'l - Medine köyüne gömülecekti yapmacık bir mezarın içine. Kum ve resim çizerken kulandığı meşaleden çıkan kömürün tozu müsade etmeyecekti ciğerlerinin daha fazla nefes alıp vermesine. Çok da yaşamak istemiyordu 30 undan sonra. Piramidin taşlarını taşıyan babasından biliyordu. Aşırı ağırlıktan eğrilen ve büyüyen omurgasının ağrılarına dayanamayarak 33 ünde bu dünyadan ayrılmayı tercih etmişti... Elinde falakayla vergisini almaya gelen memurlardan, bu dünyada bulamadığı huzuru diğer dünyada bulacağını vaat eden rahiplerden başkasının da 40 yaşını geçtiğini duymamıştı zaten... Bu yüzden ölmek için en iyi yaş 30 du... Daha fazla yaşamak daha fazla eziyet demekti...


Aristides de çiftçiydi bir zamanlar, toprağını ailesiyle ekip biçtiği zamanları gün gibi hatırlıyordu daha... İki hasat üst üste kötü geçip, aldığı borçları ödeyemeyince önce topraklarına ipotek kondu, sonra ellerine. 450 binlik Atina da demokrasi var deniyordu, Gordion'un doğusunda ise hep "barbarlar" yaşıyordu. Arisitides de tıpkı kendininkilere benzeyen diğer 370 bin çift el gibi demokrasinin ne olduğunu bilmeden öldü.

Afrikanın talihi hiç değişmedi. "...ki bozulmasın diye Akdeniz 'in şekli, hep eskisi gibi çizildi haritalara"*.

Aristides ten çok sonra yorgun Afrika'nın Gine kıyılarına Santa Maria de Belem gemisi yanaştı. Bir kaç top kumaş, birkaç düzine Nürnberg kaşığı, birkaç fıçı sulandırılmış içki,kullanılmış peruklar, şapkalar, kravatlar karşılığı 180 kara deriliyi alıp Haiti ye yola çıktı. Tam 83 gün sonra limana vardığında yükünün beşte biri ölmüştü, kalanların yarısı ise hasta... Bir kelle 4.000 kilo şeker ediyordu, kelleye karşılık kahve, balya balya pamuk, 2 kelle bir ev. Gemi Lisbon a geri döndü. 147 günlük yolculuğunun sonunda 1'e 500 kar etmişti. O günlerin ortalamasına göre fena sayılmazdı. Her yıl 150.000 kelle 600 bin ton şekerle el değiştirdi, hem de tam 300 yıl boyunca...

Kara Afrika'nın kara elleri çok şey taşıdı, ama özgürlük meşalesini taşımak yine bir beyaza nasip oldu... Bir beyazla aynı otobüse binebildiğinde takvimler 1960 senesini gösteriyordu...

Eller her yerde aynıydı. Hep eller ürettiyordu.

Ellerin kitap tutmasını kimse istemiyordu, kalem zinhar günah. Bir başka eli de tutması yasaktı ellerin, zira düşmandı diğer eller, ya da birileri öyle olduğunu iddia ediyordu.

O birileri hep lejyonların tarihini yazdı. Hep rahiplerin kutsal kitapları oldu. Gemilere sahip olanlar kalemlere de sahip oldu.

Kimse daha yazmadı çıplak ellerimin tarihini...

Belki de bu yüzden, sırf bu yüzden,

en çok çıplak ellerimi seviyorum...

On the law of thermodynamics...

"Just be!" said the God...

"I will release you into the universe and never ask you back... you will be put into a never ending race... you will live at the both side of the extremes and travel endlessly between... you will be powerful and weak, but you will never end... You will cry to stop at the middle, you will seek for balance, but never get one... and I will create nothing after you...

Some, unknowingly, will invent something called time to measure your journeys.

And someone on a distant land will look at his stupid clock, and will believe that it is enough
to get a decent sleep, to get back to work in the morning...

And I will give you the name: "energy"

"Just be!"...

My Brain is my biggest enemy..

I wish I had none...

I wish I was a stone rumbling through the endless hills, never stopping to have time think about "Where was I?" and "where I am leading to?"

I wish I was a kite tied to someones small hand with a rope, dancing with the careless wind of the neverending desires, innocent as the hand of my master, wishing so much from the future, and believing that I am entitled to...

I wish I was formless and aimless... but solid and unbrekable at the same time...

I wish I was a like a theory, not have a physical form but have an undeniable existance...

But I am not... therefore...

"cogito ergo sum"

On the term of justice...

What is Justice?.... Does justice means that everyone is equal... or is it something reflects the fact that you should behave people according to what they deserve...

Plato suggests that only weak need justice and it is a coalation of the weak that demands justice from the strong...

And according to this theorem, world is in justice now. Somebody decides what we deserve and acts accordingly. Enters into peoples realms, play with our dreams and even taughts us what we deserve...What we should expect from our future and what we are entitled to get from our daily promises and ways of living...

God, I almost miss the Cold War days...

To start...

planet is so lonely, and so crowded these days, nothing compares to the dualistic fact that everone is lonely, and not lonely at the same time....